An Incomplete List of Baseball Players and What They Do Based on Their Names

Or, Adventures In Nominative Determinism

Have you heard of Andruw Monasterio? Unless you’re a deep cut Brewers fan, you likely haven’t, but he’s a real person/baseball player despite a name that reads more like a Thomas Pynchon side character, and probably a private detective.¹ But Brewers player he is instead.

Most baseball players have names that sound like baseball players, generally resembling something along the lines of “Braxton Ganders” or “Ryan Corby,” or involving an alternate spelling of “Jason” or, increasingly, “Caden.”² But a few are blessed with names out of a far better and funnier universe, one I want to return them to. So here are some of my favorites with the alternate world bios they were meant to have.

(Special shoutout to Craig Calcaterra, whose running bit in his Cup of Coffee newsletter involving a certain Rangers pitcher gets a cameo appearance here and is a spiritual precursor to this post.)

Terrin Vavra, IF, Orioles

Introduced in the Star Wars prequels as a member of the Jedi Council; received two minutes of combined screen time with no dialogue in Attack of the Clones and can most prominently be seen nodding in response to Samuel L. Jackson arguing for the end of increased tariffs on interstellar metal shipping; had a death scene filmed for Revenge of the Sith that was cut in post-production; his Wookiepedia page lists him as no longer alive but one user keeps changing it to say that his ultimate whereabouts are “unknown,” a claim that has been deleted and replaced 17 times; rumored to have a cameo appearance in the upcoming Disney+ series Yaddle, a nine-episode prequel about the lady Yoda who was in the prequels for roughly five minutes.

Richard Lovelady, LHP, Athletics

One of the leading lights of the adult film industry’s 1970s heyday; went by Richard instead of Dick because, in his words, “Come on, man;” shot 341 scenes over the course of six years as an adult performer; a former high school baseball standout, he was best known for his appearances in Two Ball Count, Riding the Pine, Bad Cooze Bears, and Eight Men In; briefly tried to break into mainstream cinema in the 1980s but got no further than a handful of softcore romances and a role as an umpire in the short-lived ABC sitcom “Three Strikes;” a regular fixture at adult film conventions, where he continually refuses to sign autographs as “Dick.”

Brenton Doyle, OF, Rockies

Came up as an amateur boxer in Boston in the 1930s, where he defeated such future luminaries of the ring as Johnny “Shamrock” McCullers, Patrick “Leprechaun” O’Donnell, Ciarán “Red Rage” Houlihan, and Fitz “Fitzy” Fitz; known as “The Fenian Flattener,” he won the 1939 Unified World Welterweight Belt by knocking down Jack “Ironface” Shaw in four rounds; served in the European Theater in World War II, fighting in France and Italy; was demoted from sergeant to private and dishonorably discharged after punching a commanding officer in the face for ordering a full-frontal assault on a German stronghold in the Po Valley in March 1945 that resulted in mass casualties; returned to boxing after the war but could never again find his stride owing to a combination of PTSD and 12 Nazi bullets lodged in his lower back; retired in 1948 to open and run a bar in Boston named Denton Broyle’s.

Edouard Julien, 2B, Twins

The 13th Prime Minister of Canada, Julien is best known for his attempts to declare his country’s full independence from Great Britain, at which point he was impeached, removed from office, and subjected to the harshest punishment his fellow countrymen could think of: exile to North Dakota; while there, he wrote a self-serving memoir, Canuckleheads, in which he decried Canada’s “iron resistance to weaning itself from the wrinkled bloody nipple of England’s breast.”

Peyton Burdick, OF, Marlins

Four-time Daytime Emmy winner and former star of the the long-running NBC soap opera “The Hours of Time,” where he played Michael Asperton IV, wealthy heir to the Asperton family fortune and beer empire and, unbeknownst to him, a clone of the real Michael Asperton IV, who was kidnapped as a child and raised by Trappist monks looking to eliminate a bitter rival; as it turns out, the Asperton clone was himself cloned after having his death faked in a 19-car accident involving two tanker trucks, a limousine on the way to prom, and a Papal procession; the second Asperton clone was written off the show not long after by being put into a permanent coma as the result of a HALO jump accident, with a furious Burdick refusing to film his final scenes and getting blacklisted by the industry in response.

Easton McGee, RHP, Mariners

Star of the 1984 national champion Johns Hopkins men’s lacrosse team; scored 49 goals in 15 conference games as a midfielder, including three in three minutes against Maryland in that year’s Crab Cup semifinal matchup; remembered chiefly for inventing the McGeewhillikers, a double spin move stutter-step that he famously used to deke Princeton goalie Randall Randington in the 1986 national championship game; one of the lead faces of the briefly lived Nat Lax League, where he starred as captain and coach of the Baltimore Nattys; first-ballot selection to the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame, located at his father’s country club; one-time employee of Jordan Belfort at Oakmont Stratton who served 16 months in a federal minimum security prison for insider trading.

J.P. France, RHP, Astros

Prolific author of mass-market detective paperbacks in the 1950s, most notably “Bullet Points,” “One in the Chamber, Two in the Gut,” “Lead and Blood and Bourbon,” and “Ronald McDonald Presents: The Hamburglar’s Revenge;” his most lasting creation was private eye Spanner “Pliers” Hammer, the lead in an 18-book series that also spawned a multi-season TV show and a series of comic books; published his final book in 1961 and entered into a life of seclusion, refusing interviews and visits at his palatial Beverly Hills estate, Murderhouse; was found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in 1974, with his body discovered next to a typewriter containing a single page reading “That’s all he wrote, folks.”

Packy Naughton, LHP, Cardinals

Infamous gangster who orchestrated or took part in The St. Patrick’s Day Massacre of 1928, the Arbor Day Bloodbath of 1929, and the President’s Day (Observed) Shootout of 1930; a one-time rival of Al Capone who eventually took over his syndicate upon Capone’s conviction on tax evasion charges in 1931, only to lose power a scant two months later for, among other things, insisting that Capone’s gang now be called “Packy’s Pals;” was eventually sold out to the police and died following a 12-hour gunfight with law enforcement in 1938; his final words were reportedly, “You lousy pigs couldn’t hit the broad side of a—;” tertiary character in Boardwalk Empire.

Griffin Jax, RHP, Twins

Three-time X Games participant and two-time silver medalist in the freestyle airborne skateblade, a newly invented sport in which participants skated a half-pipe on rollerblades attached to a skateboard; invented, among other moves, the 720 Half Skittle Flip, the 1080 Gnarly Bartender, and the Over the Moon, in which, after grabbing the lip of the half-pipe and hanging upside down, he would pull his shorts down and show his ass to the audience; was forced to retire from competition after an accident at the 2002 X-Games in which, while attempting a backwards triple Scoozer, he fell and fractured both arms, his right hip, four ribs, three vertebrae, and his butt.

Konnor Pilkington, LHP, Diamondbacks

A British comedian who first came to prominence as the lead of “What’s All This Then,” which aired for two seasons and 12 total episodes on BBC 35 between 1987 and 2001; regular guest panelist on such shows as “I’ve Got A Cheeky Idea,” “Edgar Jezzard’s Hour of Quips,” and “Balderdash Dashers;” his career took a severe downturn in 2017 following a drunken interview on Steven Whittington-Selby’s BBC Larfs radio program “You’re A Right Funny Chap, Innit?” during which he said that Polish immigrants should return to “whichever filthy Pole it is they’re from;” early activist in Britain’s right-wing Blokes Rights movement; failed 2019 Parliament candidate with the xenophobic Albion for Albionites party, receiving 11 votes.

JoJo Romero, LHP, Cardinals

A former Disney star best remembered for his starring roles in “High School Chemistry: The Musical: The Radio Show: The Podcast” and “Zackk Blurbins, Teen Psychic;” desperate to shed his teeny-bopper image, he pivoted to an ill-conceived career as an alt-right influencer and YouTube personality named MAGA JoJo, in which he would dress as a clown wearing a Trump wig and make racist knock-knock jokes; eventually was tabbed to host a midnight comedy series on Fox News’ youth-oriented spinoff network FOXX but had his show canceled after just three weeks on the air when a squirting flower designed to soak guest Camille Paglia in hot sauce misfired, causing severe burns to his chest and genitals.

Silvino Bracho, RHP, Reds

Notorious Mafia hitman of the 1980s, renowned for his patented “Arrivederci” method of killing, in which targets were blindfolded, gagged, bound, and put on a small fishing boat that was pushed out into the Long Island Sound; 14 known underworld associates or rivals were eliminated in this way, including Rigatoni family caporegime Tony “Big Lips” Bottecelli and Bracho’s own former mentor, Sal “The Turtle” DiGiorno, after the latter was accused of turning state’s witness in a 1985 federal money laundering case; disappeared in 1988 after botching a hit on an FBI informant and was last seen entering a Belmont trattoria, The Singing Clam, that September; most believe that he faked his own death and that he now operates a pizza place in Bensonhurst that serves a mean ziti slice.

Kyle Farmer, SS, Twins

A farmer.

Bennett Sousa, LHP, White Sox

Composer of the early 20th century remembered for such hits as “Suzette’s Big Gay Balloon Race,” “Oh! Let Us Frolic In The Tall Grass, My Lass,” and “Oompah Waltz For Unclean Immigrants;” no relation to John Philip despite numerous claims otherwise³; was asked by President Herbert Hoover to conceive a potential new national anthem, only for his submission, “We Stand For You, White Columbia,” to be rejected as being too racist even for that era; his career fell into shambles and obscurity in the 1930s after he became an outspoken proponent of eugenics, segregation, and a method of pet population control in which stray dogs and cats were catapulted over the U.S.-Mexico border; moved to Germany in 1939 to become Hitler’s chief propaganda songwriter, a role for which he was convicted and hanged at the Nuremberg Trials in 1946.

Thaddeus Ward, RHP, Nationals

Union Army lieutenant colonel in the Civil War and commanding officer of the 383rd Massachusetts Corps, the Fighting Beaneaters; best known for his heroic stand at the Battle of Mustard’s Ridge in 1862, where he courageously rode out in front of his men to prevent a retreat during a crucial charge against entrenched Confederate forces, calling to his men, “Fack you, ya fackin cowards;” his intervention saved the day for the Union, though Ward suffered 19 wounds and had seven horses shot out from under him, including two at once; later served as Secretary of Indian Displacement under President Grover Cleveland and briefly spurred a popular facial hair style called the Thaddeus, in which a mustache was allowed to grow until its ends reached below the chin, at which point they would be tied together to form a bow; ironically, Ward died in 1899 after tripping on his own mustache while walking down the steps of the U.S. Capitol and falling on his head; his final words were, “Fack you.”

Spencer Steer, 1B/3B/OF, Reds

One of the most beloved Western actors of the 1950s, Steer won an Academy Award in 1953 for his portrayal of Zeke Meachem, a half-white, half-Comanche cowboy, in The Valley of Shadows, also starring Lee Marvin, Van Heflin, Dane Dunning, and Maybelle the Talking Mule; also known for his starring role in the 1961 film Kelly’s Killers, a dramatization of a daring secret World War II raid on a Nazi prisoner-of-war camp in Norway, in which his character, Sgt. Arlo Stone, sacrifices himself by throwing himself on seven separate grenades to save his platoon; was married nine times, including four times to Elizabeth Taylor; died destitute in 1979 owing to tax problems with the IRS and a series of poor investments in a mobile car wash service that was sued for causing 12 accidental deaths during the 1977 Rose Bowl parade.

1. The title of Most Thomas Pynchon Character Name in MLB currently belongs to Pirates infielder Tucupita Marcano.

2. This year’s MLB draft included five Cadens, five Cades, and three Kades, plus a Camden and a Kamdyn.

3. Amusingly enough, Bennett Sousa’s actual first name is John.